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Yours, Cordelia

March 24, 2014
If Cordelia ever becomes a mother... god forbid.

If Cordelia ever becomes a mother… god forbid.

Everyone has been on a date with a person who thinks that he or she is the most interesting, beautiful and important person in the room. While the male and female version of this date are quite similar, each has specific, gender-based qualities. This week, I want to introduce you to Cordelia.

Cordelia’s an actress. She’s been in quite a few local productions. She knows she has that special spark that will launch her to stardom and she’ll be damned if a man, or anyone else she may have a relationship with, slows her rise down.

She’s decided to create a Tinder profile. She wants a “no strings attached” kind of relationship, but she doesn’t think it’s necessary to tell the people she goes out with that she’s not looking for anything serious. That would ruin the fun.

The following are some of Cordelia’s letters to her lovers. I do hope you enjoy.


My dear man,

So nice you contacted me via Tinder. I so appreciate that you swiped right. I would very much enjoy getting a drink with you, if you pay, and I don’t have rehearsal. A girl’s got to work, you know.

Yours, possibly,



Kind sir who bought me that Sidecar at that one dear, little bar,

Well done! You caught my eye. I’d love to see you again sometime. But it probably won’t be for a long while. You see, my father has taken gravely ill, and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see you again. But fear not — you can easily check to see when I’m free and read up on my goings on if you follow me on Facebook.

Yours, in the future, maybe,



Dear, long-lost so-and-so,

It’s been a long while since you’ve gazed into my beautiful, brown eyes… and since you’ve bought me a drink. I hope you’re doing well. Oh! I heard through the “grapevine” that you have a new girlfriend. At least I think that’s what you call her. Whatever…

Since this… girl… is flitting around your life, I thought it time to ask you if, perhaps, you want to get that drink I mentioned not two sentences above this sentence. You know, just to catch up on things. Make sure to ask your… girlfriend… about it first. I wouldn’t want her to feel, how do you say — left in the dark. My beauty is quite impressive and I know she may get jealous. Ha! Poor, silly, girl…




Dear, long-lost drink buyer,

You haven’t responded to my drink request. I’ve never met a man who didn’t want to buy me a drink. I’m quite… impressed. Anyhow, I heard you watched The Purge the other night with that… girl… you call your girlfriend, or whatever. At least that’s what Bartholomew told me the other night during a late practice. Well, did you know one of my main “cap feathers” played the homicidal blonde main man number 1? I know, I’m proud, too. See you soon… most likely… if I feel so inclined… and if you’re lucky.

Yours, but most likely not,



Now, let’s watch mom-Cordelia in action.

… shudder …

Image: JbRecords

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